So Nice

I'm considering taking a Vow of Celibacy. I've come to a point in my life where I feel that marriage, or just an intimate relationship of that caliber, may not arrive during the current time frame or may be no longer viable with the ambitions I have. There are many things in life I want to accomplish, many of them being dangerous, extremely time consuming, or both. Considering everyone I have met and the generations that surround me, it has become apparent in my eyes that my beloved is not there.

Even if she strides like a summer breeze on a field of wheat out in the world right now, for one reason or another our paths have not crossed nor have we found eyes for each other. Too many "others" have risen and fallen like the tide. Many have disagreed or completely rejected support in my decisions and life styles altogether (this is something I've grown quite tired of). I keep finding that the time to cultivate a relationship of that nature is not now.

I am not "giving up hope" and this vow is beyond being single, or enjoying the "single" life. This vow is a declaration of putting all the time and energy that would go towards fulfilling that desire into things I have been first called to do. This could mean that I not look upon a potential spouse ten years or more. Its not something I want to think about, because having something like this was always the dream, but life isn't always the dream you want it to be.

Those reasons combined, the idea of a vow come about from all the stress and pains I would place upon my significant other (using the word "my" not as a possession, but as someone or something in close relation to me). Given all that I have been through and still tarry, I find that people break easier than they would like to believe, and placing someone in a position where the inevitable will happen is not an ideal of mine. This itself is a paradox of ideals. I am to conflicted about the subject that my judgment may be clouded and motives unclear.

Because I cannot see it with my vision, this is something I must surrender over to the Lord. There comes a time when one must surrender everything to the Lord, and now its time for me to surrender this aspect of my life too. I've already lifted up other areas to Him, why should this be any different from those times in the past? In turn I will pour the resources that would go into seeking a mate towards all the crafts and callings the Lord has given me already.
 
So before I let another person view all that I am and dwell with me, I want all of my battles to have been fought and dealt with, batons passed to those that will surpass me, and a divine tangible peace around me. Only then will I begin to entertain the idea of becoming one with another human being. Too many great things to do right now.