Ambition

O what a horrible miserable person I am. Is it so that I am an unhappy person? Even when more than enough is what I have I want more.

For what If all I want is to be at peace and happy? Perhaps it would be easier to try and make them believe that I am not what I am. At what cost now?

I have family and friends. Why is a good job not enough, nor place, or transport? For me to survive is to thrive, its possible I will never be satisfied.

A paradox perhaps because of these things, I see no real point in pursuing goals that will not make me more complete.

August Visit

As I sit here in the living room I used to call home my mind reflects on all the things I have done and need to do. I do not feel as uneasy as I did before, but the pain of departing remains.

My ambition is greater than my vision, but the Lord has revealed to me the end. It's a bit odd knowing where to go, but not knowing how to get there.

Because of this I feel a little isolated from the world in many ways. I've witnessed life both fleeting and never ending, and at once.

Moments that cost as much as decades, decades that feel like moments. Don't let your self get in the way of your self, do not surrender to a lie.

Anyway, God is good, Jesus is coming, and the Devil is... a liar. Good luck, have fun! This time traveler has a lot of work to do.

Delays, delays, and more delays

Patience, patience, patience.

Patience comes in many flavors and forms. I know this because I have practiced it willingly and not. I recently moved out of my apartment and back in with a friend. Before here I had ran the numbers and scouted locations and found none where I could go. I prayed about it too and this is where I have been led. 

Our schedules and tastes are compatible but very different. I don't have my own room or my own bed, but I am very grateful for having a place to stay and recover. I have been writing and preparing what I like to call: seeds (layouts, synopsis, rough drafts, etc). I call them seeds because not only do they contain a story, but I can pitch them and explain the details as if they were a completed work. 

Basically setting up projects, but not finishing them completely. This is a very double edged habit, especially if you're just starting out and wanting to publish your work. It would be beneficial for you complete something and then rework the stuffing out of it until it can stand the might of a thousand minds. Either way I have many things to vlog about. 

The problem with launching the vlog aspect of the channel(s) is I could never find a decent time and place to record. I might end up collecting my notes, rent a hotel room, and record. At the apartment I was able to do a few because we didn't have too much noise pollution, this changed when we got neighbors. 

Even in the "studio" I set up, you could still hear every sound questionable and reasonable through the walls, throughout the day, and through the night. Between finding a good time to record and working, I also got sick a few times. Not in any serious way, but in voice altering, speech impedimenting ways. It didn't sound pretty, and I have standards, so I never recorded.

If you check the channel I've already taken down a few vlogish videos because I meant to transfer them to the a channel designated for vlogs. Progress is slow, but progress is progress. Time is running out, so I need to make haste. 

P.S.
I now have a B.A. in Theatre with a concentration in Tv/ Film (many good things still to come).

Modesty and Public Nudity

I won't get too theological with this one, but I will post a few verses. All these "free the nipple" campaigns and protests seem very ridiculous to me. Before explaining anything I'm going to say it right here: Both genders should have the freedom to be "topless"or neither gender be topless.

From a young age I've always been hesitant to remove my shirt for various events, be it at the beach, getting into a pool, or changing clothes in public. Something within me told me it wasn't okay, even as a male, to take my shirt off. It didn't bother me too much when others did, but I strongly felt that I shouldn't even when others implored. There have been exceptions, but those are rare.

It seems as though in American history male bare breastedness was one of those topics from the 1930's onward until it became accepted more or less by society and law. I do not think it is ridiculous for women to fight for the ability to be bare breasted in public, I think it is ridiculous that they have to fight for that right. People have argued that a woman's breasts arouse sexual temptations, however this goes both ways.

Through mere observation I have found that women too become tempted to fall into sexual thoughts at the sight a shirtless man. This in mind has led me to conclude that both genders are attracted to one another's nakedness. Another thing I found is that not everyone is attracted by the appearance of a chest, even among men. These two conflicting ideas have birthed two ideals that society should take up: Men and Women should be allowed to express their shritlessness when necessary, or neither Men or Women should be allowed to be lacking clothing. In an ideal world we could do whatever we want, but we have sinned and no longer live in an ideal world.

As a Christian that believes everyone should have the right to exercise their free will I think people should be able to wear as much or as little as they want to, but there is the topic of sin. In the Bible states that all of creation was not inherently evil, but it does command us not to cause one another to stumble (if one of us struggles with sexual lusting, then we should not expose them to sexual things). I could tell you that if you struggle with these things simply to look the other way, or I could strongly advise that we work together to avoid causing one another to fall.

What are my final thoughts then? You're not going to hell if you see somebody naked, if this were true you cannot be a Christian and a medical doctor, or a scholar, or an artist. However, the moment desire the body in a sinful way you have sinned. In public, especially on hot and sunny days, it would be more practical for you to invest in clothing and fabrics that are cooling or UV resistant to protect your skin, than to damage your body by removing your clothes in a public setting.

This is a very complex topic with many aspects to take into consideration, when Adam and Eve fell God made clothing for both of them. To me that means they were clothed equally. We all bear the weight of sin equally and only through Christ we are saved. In the end you all can do as you please, but as for me and my kin, we will serve the Lord.

Bible references:
Genesis 1-3
Joshua 24 
Romans 14

Check Point

Earlier this month I made the decision to become celibate in body and in mind. At the end of the month if I find that I cannot commit to this lifestyle, then it would be better that I not make that vow. 

 A friend of mine recently posted a list of things he finds attractive in a spouse, and it made me wonder what personality traits I would enjoy in someone. 

It has been hard to avoid thoughts of marriage and intimate relationships these past few weeks. This has been something I have desired for a long long time, but this time frame allowed me to contemplate more thoroughly why I like certain people and why I fall in love with certain people.

The following list is a condensed list of qualities of people I end up befriending:

1. They must be reliable
2. Can be held accountable

These first two are plain and simple. There is power in your word because you answer for your mistakes and don’t back out even when things are not going your way. You said you would do it, and you did it. This also means that if they find themselves unable to commit to something before hand, they decline. The more honesty and integrity a person shows, the more likely I will bond to them.

3. Strong in their craft(s)
4. They are adventurous

These next two require a little more explanation. If have often found myself drawn to people who know how to do something, do it well or are passionate about it. Be it in art or in science. Another thing is the willingness to explore other crafts or studies. Being adventurous is more than discovering and finding beauty in the physical realm around you (which would also fall under this category), but venturing out into mental and emotional unknowns.

5. They know how to fight

Do you know how to fight or defend yourself? Boom, you’ve got one foot in the door. Whether its just self defense, or you study martial arts, or know how to argue without losing your temper, you’re pretty much cool in my book. We might even spar a few times!

These next qualities are things I have found to make me fall in love with people, or are the people that end up hangout with for life. These are the same qualities I would look for in a woman:

1. You are a Christian or Have Christian Values

Saved or not, I would like you to be hot or cold and not lukewarm. I would prefer that you have confessed Christ as your Lord and Savior, that the Word of God is your foundation, and that you are Spirit Filled, but if you are none of those and are righteous and stand up against wicked princpalities then that works too.

2. You Temper Me

You make me a better person whether I like it or not. You question my authority and motives whenever I say or do something seemingly out of character or contradictory to something I have said. You question every bad or fruitless idea that I might cultivate.

3. You are Mature

You have the knowledge and wisdom to know what you want. You are usually responsible, and if not you still pay your debts and follow through. Decisiveness comes to mind with this one.

9. You are Selfless

This one is a deal breaker. Your body is a temple, you should take care of it, but there is a fine line between taking care of your needs and taking care of your desires at the expense of others. The more you act without taking in to consideration the damage that you would deal to those that love you, or to the innocent, the more likely we’ll end up on opposite teams.

10. You are Independent

Especially in a spouse, if you can live on without me, you’ve won me. There is a codependency that arises in relationships, and maybe a strong healthy dependence, but if for whatever reason we are separated by circumstance, call it quits, or I die, I would want you to live on without me. Carry my on legacy by: finishing the race, fighting the good fight, and taking up your cross.

I could write a load of literature about these traits and why I may prefer these over others, but not here. I won’t post a list of things I find physically attractive in a woman, because I have been extremely inconsistent since day one when it comes to that. I've about two more weeks to retract my temporal celibacy vow, but I'm leaning towards it.

So Nice

I'm considering taking a Vow of Celibacy. I've come to a point in my life where I feel that marriage, or just an intimate relationship of that caliber, may not arrive during the current time frame or may be no longer viable with the ambitions I have. There are many things in life I want to accomplish, many of them being dangerous, extremely time consuming, or both. Considering everyone I have met and the generations that surround me, it has become apparent in my eyes that my beloved is not there.

Even if she strides like a summer breeze on a field of wheat out in the world right now, for one reason or another our paths have not crossed nor have we found eyes for each other. Too many "others" have risen and fallen like the tide. Many have disagreed or completely rejected support in my decisions and life styles altogether (this is something I've grown quite tired of). I keep finding that the time to cultivate a relationship of that nature is not now.

I am not "giving up hope" and this vow is beyond being single, or enjoying the "single" life. This vow is a declaration of putting all the time and energy that would go towards fulfilling that desire into things I have been first called to do. This could mean that I not look upon a potential spouse ten years or more. Its not something I want to think about, because having something like this was always the dream, but life isn't always the dream you want it to be.

Those reasons combined, the idea of a vow come about from all the stress and pains I would place upon my significant other (using the word "my" not as a possession, but as someone or something in close relation to me). Given all that I have been through and still tarry, I find that people break easier than they would like to believe, and placing someone in a position where the inevitable will happen is not an ideal of mine. This itself is a paradox of ideals. I am to conflicted about the subject that my judgment may be clouded and motives unclear.

Because I cannot see it with my vision, this is something I must surrender over to the Lord. There comes a time when one must surrender everything to the Lord, and now its time for me to surrender this aspect of my life too. I've already lifted up other areas to Him, why should this be any different from those times in the past? In turn I will pour the resources that would go into seeking a mate towards all the crafts and callings the Lord has given me already.
 
So before I let another person view all that I am and dwell with me, I want all of my battles to have been fought and dealt with, batons passed to those that will surpass me, and a divine tangible peace around me. Only then will I begin to entertain the idea of becoming one with another human being. Too many great things to do right now.

Editing with Music

Do you like to listen to music when you edit? If so what kind of music?

It depends on what I'm editing at the time. If its photos the possibilities are endless, or if I'm editing video and haven't started working on the audio. I have a few play lists on Spotify that I like to browse every now and then. Play lists ranging from Classic Rock to EDM. If I'm writing I prefer to listen to tunes without words. If I'm working on audio I prefer longer, consistent tracks at a low volume.

I listen to a lot of different genres and varieties, and rely on Spotify way too much. Something that I've found to be very popular, and dislike, is listening to movie sound tracks while working. Some of the play lists I've created do have songs from soundtracks, but to listen to the audio of a film or it's sound track in its entirety I find very distracting. Something that I've been leaning in and out of is working with ambient music or sounds.

There are a ton of YouTube videos dedicated to miscellaneous sounds that some would deem annoying. Some of these videos are labeled as Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response related. Working in absolute silence is something I do sometimes as well. Sometimes when I work with audio I edit and sync according to the sound waves and diagrams displayed on screen and go back and listen to it after I'm done. There's no straight answer with me on this subject.

My choice of if I listen to Music and what I listen to when I'm working is completely random too. I probably should have said that from the beginning. Oh well.

2017: A Year of Victory

It's been about one year since I moved to the DFW area from the RGV; within that time span some of my perceptions of reality and society have been fine tuned, refined, or both. Many things that I were once thoughts are now desires. Many things that were desires did not come into fruition or have all but withered away. This season of Eternal Spring, of growth, has shed off dead aspects to allow stronger, evolved, and renewed fragments to flourish into grandeur gardens.

This new year, 2017, is a Year of Victory. Victory over hindering ideals, victory over obstacles beyond what eyes can see, victory over battles wrought with loss. It is a year of overcoming the sins past generations. I spent the year of 2016 surviving and letting go of personal endeavors in order to establish something far greater than before. Not for my sake, but for the sake of others too. In doing so I found a glorious peace that cannot be duplicated or comparable to anything forged by imperfection.


This peace is what will allow me to sail through raging waters and fly through rough skies. This peace will allow me to press on against impossible odds. It will allow me to operate on a path that not many can venture. There are a multitude of things in this world that can slow me, but none will stop me because I do these things through and for Christ. With a weak body and a strong spirit I have so far thrived on almost nothing through the grace of God.

Victory comes at a price. Having let go of almost all that I am, I intend on surrendering my humanity to pick up armors and weapons to protect and serve, and gather my friends and allies to give the Enemy a Hell on Earth until I can no longer fight and must be laid to rest. And in that deep sleep, my only wish is to hear from the voice of God, if only a whisper, "Well done, good and  faithful servant...", and wait for the next adventure of a life time.

The Struggle is Real

I know a lot about a lot of things, so much so that it appears I know everything: I do not. In high school a lot of people would tell me that I sound like I'm on drugs. I to this day I am still unsure what they meant, to this day people still confess this. For a moment I considered doing drugs: 1. Because people already assumed I did them. 2. Part of me felt I would become normal after my brain chemistry was altered. To this day I have not knowingly par taken in anything extremely psychoactive or illegal.

I've been getting into the habit of having three beverages near by, a glass of water, a cup of coffee, a tea or "adult beverage", however its been weeks since I've drunk that kind of drink. I have trouble tending to my bodily needs. I don't eat enough, this has always been said, but now its apparent. I don't sleep enough, again I've known this, but haven't felt it to this extent. I am tired and my health is deteriorating: mentally and physically.

I didn't realize how much a neglected my own needs until now, but this changes nothing. Not a darn thing. There are others in worse situations, but this idea is not something that gives me peace. No, that is something that fuels the fire tingles like needles in my skin. What gives me peace is knowing that I have been blessed with abilities to get out of my situations. Blessed to be able to achieve things I have yet to fathom and help those in need when the time comes- and help them along the way.

I'm in pain, and I'll never rest until my work here is done. Until then in Christ I must carry on.

2016: A Year of Transition

Oh my what a year 2016 was. Full of death, conflict, and horrific crimes against nature and humanity, or at least this is what the majority would believe two thousand sixteen brought in like a winter storm. In general, leap years tend to be the most difficult for me in terms of life obstacles. However, I personally did not find twenty sixteen too unbearable at all! In fact Spring 2016 heralded a season of Eternal Spring, a time of growth and healing, for me.

It was a year of transitions. I had quit a photography job early on and started free lancing in an attempt to attain more funds to pay bills, pay off loans, as well as provide fuel for my film endeavors. This worked for a few months, those of you that have seen the vlog know this. The time frames overlap, but for the most part that is how it was. I encountered a dry spell and had seemingly no other option but to move to North Texas. I have family here and a good friend of mine offered me a place to stay and a photography job for six weeks. Growth.

In that time period I drove back and forth between Grand Prairie and Waxahachie looking for a more stable job. I ended up finding it in Wax. The change in scenery and distance from distractions, though I find more negative than positive (not necessarily bad; I just miss home and everyone there), gave me space to recover and catch up mentally with all the things that had transpired throughout college. Healing.

I don’t understand why people reacted so sensitively to all the political things that occurred during this year. Celebrities and heroes die all the time. Wars and suffering have all been here since the beginning of time in one region or another. Seemingly terrible politicians manage to get elected, or chosen, all the flipping time! Not once before have I seen people take action before. Perhaps its because of the increasing integration of news and social media, but even then I don’t think this spark caught fire until the headlines and articles became click bait and “fake”, misleading factions of the public astray.

I personally didn’t experience a taste of death, but those around me did, and that was enough to call it a rough year. International affairs always made themselves known to me from a young age for some reason, so some of the hell we witnessed I had already anticipated clenching my teeth. Aside from watching local administrations do wonderfully stupid things and cause alarm due to bad judgment calls (I mean this in general and not in any defamatorious way. We’re all human and make mistakes, all is forgiven), 2016 was great. :D

I was supposed to graduate this year, as I was supposed to graduate last year, but that did not get accomplished, and whether or not I graduate this year (2017, lol) my actions leading up to the pass or fail event will be a victory. Why? Because 2017 is the Year of Victory. The things that I am going to do to get things done need to be strong and high rewarding decisions. In this Season of Eternal Spring, I need to build everything I have on “the rock”. Every effort I put forth into this world needs to pay me back completely in the long run in some way, shape, or form.

Undeniably, victories come with consequences. A year of victory does not mean a year of wealth or happiness, that comes later if it does, but merely (in the greatest sense) a year of fulfillment and productivity. This might sound odd coming from one of my generation, but I care not or happiness if the will of the Lord is finished and the land has been tilled with seeds planted. That alone is more than enough.